Tonight I went to dinner with two friends. This was a get-together we all needed. A chance to chat, reflect, and be totally honest with each other about our lives. A chance to dig a bit deeper than we might in casual conversation.
I have so much to say about tonight, but I cannot say it all at once. Let me start with one issue it brought up for me. Let me show you my mirrors...
I know I'm not the only one who does this, but I think I might be the Queen of Mirrors. I carry different mirrors with me all day long, pulling each one out to fit the company I keep at the time. (For anyone who might be slow on the uptake, the mirror idea is simply a metaphor. I do NOT have a purse full of literal mirrors.)
At home, I am most myself. This is a place where I allow myself to be me. Yes, I am Mommy and Wife, but I feel that I generally balance these things well, so that I remain Myself while I'm with Jake and Ike. At home I read what I want, write what I want, and watch what I want without concern of how these things might be perceived.
It's when I leave home that there's a problem. Here are the many mirrors I carry...
The MOMMY mirror. Even though I'm comfortable with my own parenting ability at home, I get uptight when I leave the house. In restaurants I worry: does that elderly woman think I'm too lenient? Am I being too harsh? With other moms I worry: am I doing it right? Do I look like a REAL mom? The MOMMY mirror generally reflects a woman who has the patience of Job, but the temperament of Medusa. Yes, MOMMY will put up with everything, but she will turn you to stone should you cross the line.
The WIFE mirror. I've found that it's extremely unpopular to like your husband. In the reflection of WIFE, you might find a bitter woman who gets no help around the house and no sleep because she works her tail off trying to keep things running smoothly, with no gratitude from her spouse at all of course. Sorry, Ike, for me to hold a good WIFE mirror (not to be confused with a GOOD WIFE mirror, which does not mesh with my FEMINIST mirror), we can't be friends. :wink
The CHRISTIAN mirror. Alright, this one is the largest case of "smoke and mirrors" in my life. I have several friends who assume (and some, I'm afraid, who've been misled to believe) that I share their faith. I don't know exactly how to combat this one. Honesty would be the best policy, of course, but...What a doozy. I am not a Christian, guys. At least not how you would define it. In fact, I might even consider the faith again...if I didn't have to deal with all the Christians.
The STUPID mirror. Hmm...I say the previous mirror is the largest, but perhaps this one is. From this mirror reflects a person who doesn't think past what's-for-dinner and what-who-said-to-whom-and-when. I think this mirror is the one that encompasses all of the above mirrors. The one that ignores my education and intelligence. The one that really allows me to be the person I'm expected to be. A stay at home mom with no issues and no side effects. Who expects this? Well, society of course. All those magazines with articles on how to make the perfect casserole in 5-minutes-or-less while redecorating the bathroom and keeping your husband happy in bed. All these people I know who assume that just because they have no higher aspirations in life, I don't either.
So. If I learned one thing tonight from these two brilliant women, it's this: I alone am responsible for these mirrors. My bag is only heavy with so many reflections because I've developed it to be so. What would happen if I were brave enough to only be ME? If I only reflected MYSELF out of every mirror I passed...?
Mirror, mirror, on the wall...Who's the most neurotic of all?