Woody Cavenaugh

It is my opinion that there needs to be some sort of legal document that constitutes a generic threat of bodily harm. Every day idiots sue for the dummest things, break the law and then attempt to use the law to implicate the victum somehow. More often than not, all that is needed to come out on top of any legal hassle is to invest in a really good lawyer.

We live in a day and age when someone can spill hot coffee on themselves while they are driving and successfully sue the restaurant who sold them the coffee. If I had a restaurant with a drive through I would have a sign posted that says:
"We do not sell coffee at our drive through window because we feel that a minority of our customers are not responsible enough to drink it and drive safely, for this reason we have to protect everyone from possible stupidity. We thank you for your understanding."
I would be sued of course. Right, wrong, justice, law, common since, none of these things actually matter. I want your money, I can get it by suing you, soon your money will be mine.

Cease and desist letters are almost as common as bills in the mail these days, I wouldn't be surprised if you can buy them in pads from Staples like "While you were out" message pads.

We (your name here) order you to immediately stop:
__ Harrassing,
__ Selling,
__ Not Selling,
__ Visiting,
__ Not Visiting
__ Calling,
__ Not Calling,
__ Breathing,
__ Other (please specify)

Failure to do whatever we tell you to will lead to us suing you.
For faster service, please include all of your money.

Thank you,
your name here

What I think we really need is something equally as lazy but represents a different attitude. I call it the "Generic Threat of Bodily Harm". What the generic threat of bodily harm does is state in plain and legal terms that if I actually cared more about the stupid things you do I would attempt to help you overcome your short commings via percussive maintainence. This has an important difference from suing. The goal of suing is to take something from someone else because you successfuly argued in court that they purposely harmed you. The generic threat of bodily harm doesn't want money from anyone. It only wants to let you know officially and legally that it is my opinion that you are a complete idiot.

I am even thinking of starting a "Generic Threat of Bodily Harm" list. I am not interested in them enough to call them or send them a letter or email with the "Generic Threat of Bodily Harm", but at least I would have a running list so if the day ever came where I did have the time or interest, I could check them off one by one. Were I to start making that list today I would add Eric and Neil Bauman because in my opinion they are entitled free of charge to one Generic Threat of Bodily Harm each.