Woody Cavenaugh

I am sure everyone reading this has experienced a phone call from some pre-recorded phone spam firm who wants you to listen to their spiel and either press a number to speak to a sales representitive or leave your contact information so a sales representitive can contact you. Have you had them call during dinner? Have you had them call you on your cell phone?

I have had both, and I have had enough. I admit, in the past I simply hung up. I suspect you do the same, but it just isn't satisifying. It isn't a human that is getting disconnected, it is a machine.

I have allowed my genius to fully tackle this problem and I have come up with a solution that is clever (very), pointed (clearly so), and evil (you're welcome). I didn't want to go public with my master plan until I had had an opportunity to test it for myself. That opportunity arrived and gleefully I struck passionately with wild abandon!

This particular message wanted me to leave my contact info at the beep. The moment of the beep is the single moment where I have their full and complete attention. The moment where they are at my mercy.

While the automated message was comming in to me, I found suitable material from my blog, and at the sound of the beep, I began to read, with feeling, in a nice rich metered tone that only nine years of college theatre experience can train in me. I ended only when the recording itself stopped.

It was glorious, it was educational, it allowed me to target a new audience, during their working hours, and best of all I know they listened to each and every word. The beauty of this plan is I took the time to answer them, and instead of giving them what they wanted I gave them what I wanted them to have. They couldn't hang up. Shock kept them listening. Perhaps they even got a collegue to listen to it again. What sort of man listens to their speil only to read to them in a rich and metered tone a blog about the value of every touch in fencing.

My path is clear. I will be known at the telemarketing conventions as the Terrorist Pod Caster! They will fear me. Some may even take me off of their calling lists, but sooner or later, fate will put my number on their auto dialer, and low I will strike once more!

FEAR MY CLEVER WORDPLAY!