Woody Cavenaugh

I've been in a mood lately. A mood filled with chaotic rage. I have simmered quietly, taking deep breaths, counting to ten, throwing heavy objects from high places, the usual patches. While I haven't found the exact cause yet, I have discovered one of its symptoms.

You own a cell phone don't you? Its OK, I have two, work has a way of doing that to a person. When it rings, you answer it right? I am assuming of course that you have checked the caller ID and it isn't some person you don't want to talk to. For the sake of this rant, the phone rings, you check the caller ID and you don't mind talking to the person who is trying to reach you so you answer it.

With me so far, phone rings, you answer? Now modern cell phone companies are making a mint on selling special ringtones, often times songs that you like. The goal is that you will go out and pay anywhere from one to three dollars per ringtone. It is seen as a consumable, like a soda, a tube of toothpaste or a nice dinner. You may know someone who buys ringtones or you may buy ringtones yourself. Do you buy ringtones?

Do you?

There's no harm in buying something that makes you happy (unless the government has decreed that it is illegal to do so, in those cases your happiness doesn't matter). So you bought the ringtone? You thought about buying the ringtone? Why not, it is fun, and hip, don't you want people to hear your ringtone? Don't you want to listen to the latest song by Smeg Head on your phone? It seems like every other commercial and google ad is about buying ringtones. I am not sure but I suspect that the average phone can hold several ringtones and you can mix and match at your leasure.

I have one question though. If you are enjoying your ring tone, doesn't that mean that someone somewhere is trying to get in touch with you and you are not answering? It isn't that you are ignoring their frantic call, you are very well aware that your phone is ringing, but you are choosing not to answer it. The upside is that you get to hear the ringtone that you paid good money for. The downside is that the person calling you doesn't get to hear anything but your voicemail when they FINALLY get sent there. The really downside is that I and others like me have to listen to your phone blast the new hit from The Stinky Pinkies or Funkmaster Stank. Shut your damn ring hole and answer it! The phone is for ANSWERING. Thats why since Alexander Graham Bell asked his assistant to join him the phone rang like a bell. *Ring* "Hey, my phone's ringing, I'd better answer it!" Not anymore though nope. Now it goes like this, "I WANT TO F_CK THE B_TCHES, BUT THE B_ITCHES WON'T F_CK ME" on and on until the person on the other end gets sent to voicemail or gives up. Do you want your mother calling you with that ringtone?

My phone? My phone goes *RING*, and when it rings I answer it, or I look at which bill collector is calling and I hit the button that sends them to voice mail so my phone will stop ringing. That's how phones are supposed to be used. When I am in meetings, restaurants, or movie theatres my phone is either on vibrate or it is turned off entirely.

But you're going to go on downloading songs like "Lick My Baby Back Behind". You're going to listen to the whole damn thing, then you are going to check your voicemail. You're going to call them back and you are going to have to sit there and wait while their ringtone plays through. Then you are going to leave them voicemail and the whole process starts over again.

Well you know what,? One day I'm going to decide that enough is enough. One day I am going to record a simple ringing phone. One of the old ones. I am going to loop it and I'm going to burn it to a high quality CD. Do you remember the term "Ghetto Blaster"? A CD holds about an hour of music, or in this case an hour of constant ringing. I'll best I can last longer than you can. I've had more practice...