Woody Cavenaugh

He hates it when I spell it "ie".

I fenced in a tournament for the second time since 1996. The first time was Blades at the Beach, where you may remember things did not go so well. Nervious? You bet! I spent most of the day as close to the door as I could manage all the while trying not to run outside screaming. I had the whole positive self talk thing going. "

Woody, listen to me carefully. I believe in you! I always have! That's why I'm here. Destiny dressed you this morning my friend, and now Fear is trying to pull off your pants. If you give up, if you give in, you're gonna end up naked with Fear just standing there laughing at your dangling unmentionables!"

It wasn't really working. He was back. The last time he was around was 1996, Queen City Open. I had just lost a DE 14-15 against a fencer who made sure everyone knew they needed to win first place in order to move from the "B" team to the "A" team of their universities NCAA fencing team. True, the referee was an alumni from that very same university, so my 14-15 loss was really a win. I know I won that bout. I didn't win the bout for good reason as her NCAA future rested on the medal, but I got a medal too and 2nd place is still winning.
No it isn't stupid. Second means last loser. Not only did you lose but you were the last loser. You worked the hardest and the longest before you finally figured out you were a loser.
As irrational as his argument was, I couldn't find a way to beat it, or any of a grocery list of other arguments of why I suck no matter what I tried. While all this was going on in my head on the ride home a friend was with me who seemed to sense what was going on, and she spent the entire ride home pumping up my holed ego while Dark Woodie mocked me for hiding tears behind dark sunglasses. I still am not sure how she knew, I was pretty much silent the whole ride home anyway. I don't think I compeated after that, instead shifting my focus on running tournaments and repairing equipment. As for Dark Woodie, well, if you can't beat them, join them. I became whole, the night, the day, and the road between them. We were better than the sum of our parts. Everything was lit up crystal clear in the even gray light of bitterness. No shadows, no glare. Not only whole but perfect in every way. Being a perfect centered being some might say had some drawbacks, loneliness being top of the list, but this isn't a weakness so much as a strength. No one gets close enough to me to hurt me. I was a rock, I was an island. Time and loneliness eventually eroded me away and I craved warmth. Dark Woodie was just an empty overcoat I could choose to put in the back of the closet until winter comes. I should have left a light on in the closet.

Did you ever notice how stuff you stick in the closet seems to multiply til one day you can't seem to close the door because of all the shoes and you have no idea how they all got there to begin with. Surely you didn't have so many pairs of old shoes? Yesterday the closet door opened all by itself and Dark Woodie, his sleak and shiny coat dazzling to behold sloped gracefully back into my world.

My fencing goals were to score touches on everyone and not come in last. Those are stupid goals, the only goal is perfection. Anything worth doing is worth doing to obsession.

I won two bouts! You lost two bouts.
I scored touches on everyone. You lost two bouts.
I came in 7 out of 15 in pools! You say that like its a good thing. How's the view in the bottom 50%, loser?
I won my first DE bout since 1996. And where did that get you?
I took 7th overall! You won a DE and you still came in the bottom 50%. Only you can win something and still gain no ground.
I had a great day!! Only you would suck so bad that you can lose that bad and still be proud of yourself.

Its weird, last night I had a close friend riding with me, and she spent the car ride trying to prop up my holed ego while I tried not to speak at all. Do I have some sort of Loser flag or something? Yes, you would call it a loser flag, I call it your hair.

And haven't you gained some weight? I distinctly remember that you were 220. You've chubbed out all the way to 340. Clearly tubby, my return is long overdue.

For breakfast I had two packages of oat meal for 300 caleries, at lunch an all bran bar for 100 caleries. Then he showed up. When I was a kid, food would shut him up. Not last night. 3000 caleries at dinner and he only got more chatty.

I hate it when he's right.