Woody Cavenaugh

Valentines day is a bunch of different things to a bunch of different people. For most of my life it was a day of bitter reflection because I wasn't in a relationship. For some of my life it was a day of bitter reflection because I was in a relationship with various someones who made me miserable/afraid for my life. These past few years however have been good. Sure, my wife could and would kill me, but not without a damned good reason, and don't think I don't appreciate that.

I think about the usual valentine traditions and smile because they are really odd when you get down to it. Take for instance:

Hi, honey. Happy Valentine's day, I brought you the sexual organs of some plants which will wither and decay over the course of a week, more if you put them in water with some asprine in it.

Or:

No honey, you don't look fat in those pants. Happy Valentine's day, I got you a two pound box of chocolate.

I mean, I suppose I could do the nice meal thing, but where can we have a romantic dinner with no alcohol, or desert, and a meal that consists of six onces of lean red meat with a cup of steamed vegstables on the side? Hold the bread please, she's in training.

I could do something I am likely to do only once a year like clean the house, Saturday I was told I couldn't go to the YWCA to repair the ever growing mound of broken fencing equipment, because we never spend any time together. So she told me to clean the house instead and then she left for football practice. There are some ironies there, but the house looks great!

What I really want to do is send her to one of those places where she is stripped naked and total strangers rub her body from head to toe with essential oils while burning scented candles and playing Yani CDs. They would follow this with a nice facial and pedicure. However, as long as I am working so many jobs that don't have money in them, this is simply not possible. It does make for a really nice mental image though.

So while most guys in my position are giving flowers, candy, and fancy meals, I gave my wife a card with a little poem inside with a small gift. The card reads:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
You have perfect teeth
So wear this when you go to practice.

Nothing says love in my household, like a brand new fancy mouthpiece.