Woody Cavenaugh

I am not afraid of being laughed at. My name is Woody and I hit 200 pounds in the fifth grade. Ridicule is like huffing up a set of stairs for me. I survive it every day. Thus I am willing to share with the five or six people who actually read me this funny story.

It starts with underwear.

About once a year I have to go out and replace that underwear which has given its all in the previous year in the name of containment, and come out the worse for it. I typically wear boxer briefs. Boxers bind, there is too much cloth in the legs and I can't walk in them. Briefs are just that, besides fear of fallout, there are issues of chafing which happens when you have thighs of my size. Boxer briefs are snug enough not to bind and low enough to protect.

Typically I choose black. They don't show stains like white, and they look enough like bike shorts I can strip down in a parking lot and put on other pants without people realizing I'm in my undies in public. Its a handy thing. This year I fell in love with a pair of green and gray striped that just said "Pirate Underpants" to me. Plus they'll be totally obnoxious under my white knickers.

I was looking for more of the same when something glinted in the light at the edge of my vision. I turned to face a rack of shiny spandex underwear of a type I had never seen before. They were in terrific colors and I knew I had to get me some of that action! They were called trunks. I had never heard of this style but they were certainly stylish and did what I needed them to do. Protect me from fallout, and chafing, without binding or making me look like a dork. Mission accomplished.

Last night in Foil I was wearing a pair of green ones. It was great. Like wearing nothing at all. I fenced all evening thinking how good my choice was. Trust the superhero's, they know their underwear.

In the locker room, I stripped down to my undies and my t-shirt still thinking how awesome it was to find these most excellent underwear. Although...come to think of it, they seem to be a might drafty. I glanced down and there was my junk looking back up at me, like "dude, turn the heat on". Wait a minute?! I was sure I put on trunks this morning. I pulled my t-shirt up some more.

Oh...so that's why the superhero's always wear their tights under their trunks.

Still, they beat the immortal stuffing out of boxer's or briefs. And they are way dead sexier than boxer briefs. Life is about compromise. I'm thinking about going back for some more.