Woody Cavenaugh

Do you remember the old days when people were afraid to fly or they weren't. Thanks to our modern lives, we now have reasons to fear the airports themselves. Random terrorist, or artist attacks, losing your car, random strip searches, random strip searches ending in a dinner offer, and now going to the bathroom.

Yes, I am saying it. I was a little wigged out being in the airport yesterday and having to take a wiz. Guys have rules about peeing. But there are some new second edition rules I know nothing about yet and I don't want to get arrested...or propositioned. First edition rules are easy. No peaking, stay to the sides, never use the center urinal if the one to the left and the right of it are being used. You keep an empty urinal between you and the next guy and all is well. But now in the second edition you have to stand a certain way, and I am not sure what those rules are.

I was sort of hoping, being an airport they would have some easy pictographs hanging on the walls, they do for everything else. No guns, no food, no drink, pets must be on a leash, barf bags are on the left and your seat is a flotation device so in the event of accident the recovery crew will know where to dive for bodies. Do not stand with feet more than 18 inches apart. Do not touch the wall with either hand. Putting both hands on the wall is right out. Do not grab your neighbor's ass and comment about ham. But the walls however were bare. The room was packed, there was one open urinal that no one was going to and the only guy not worried about getting arrested for improper peeing was the Asian guy who was afraid of a whole litany of other things.

I wish for the simpler days, when the only thing I feared in the toilet was the dirty seat and the sharks, alligators, snakes, and rabid squirrels that could come out of the bowel and bite you on the butt if you aren't paying attention. Now not only do we have to fear the wildlife, we have to fear camera phones, and pants position while we do our business. Too high you poop on your self, too low you are retarded, off completely and you're just looking for trouble.

I just wanted to pee.