Woody Cavenaugh

I enjoy more than most things sitting quietly, watching and listening to what people do and say. I often find it highly entertaining, and sometimes educational. I also learn daily just how little I understand about how people think. Take these gems...

I was listening to two women in their fifties talking about a relation of theirs who had gotten married. One said to the other, "You know, being a lawyer he's always very cool, and even tempered, and he has this really nice dry whit too. I was watching his wedding video and I saw him crying. Can you believe it? It so did my heart good to see him do that."

*blink* It was everything I could do not to ask them, "Ma'am, what pleasure other than sadistic pleasure are you getting from that? Is mom spit distilled from the tears of men or something?" But I held my tongue, anyone who enjoys watching men cry, doesn't need to be crossed without a plan.

I went outside to find a less sadistic crowd to hang with, and I found some uncles and my father. They were discussing clothing. One of my uncles, and I do love him dearly, was explaining that a man has to be buried in a suit. It doesn't matter that he didn't wear one in life, it doesn't matter that they are uncomfortable, if you are dead you are just decoration at the wake, and should be made to look good for the visitors.

I told him that if I were to be buried, I would want to be dressed in a loud Hawaiian print shirt. My thinking was that death was a journey, and the wake was a going away party, and I wanted to be dressed comfortable for traveling. He looked at me like I had suddenly started speaking in !kung to him or something.

I discovered that for him funerals meant all men were in suits, all women were formal, and all children were adorably formal (sailor suits all around). I have decided that since I am to be a pallbearer that I should probably report first thing to him at the funeral so I can make sure my outfit is up to snuff. I didn't ask him, he may be thinking I should wear some sort of tuxedo or something.

Which leads me wonder, if the reason the picture of him that was put in the paper and displayed at the wake taken in 1967 was chosen perhaps because that was the last time he ever wore a tie. If so, I'd better get my picture taken tomorrow!

The funny thing is that I know for a fact that the guest of honor hated suits, and you would be hard pressed to see him in one. However, I realize that as a pallbearer that the suit is a dress uniform. Of the pallbearer suits, I have been told two things, first that it didn't matter what color it was so long as it was a suit, and that it could be any color suit I had so long as it was black. Good thing I have three black suits. One modern one which I will not be wearing because it isn't the way they were made 40 years ago, one well fitting one that I am not going to wear because it is cheep and one of good quality that is too big. I'm wearing the big one. If anyone dares to say anything to me about my over sized jacket, I am going to ask if I should put all my weight back on real fast so it will fit better, and if so would they pay for the Krispy Kreme's and Bojangles. If nothing else, hey free donuts.

Because of the state of my late uncle's body the suit he owned wouldn't fit without being split up the back, so my aunt went out and bought him a new suit. The service is closed casket, so sadly no one will ever know if it looked good on him or not. I mentioned to my mother that I thought it was odd that he would be dressed in a new suit for a closed casket service. She told me that it was vital that the corpse was dressed nicely whether anyone saw it or not. Perhaps we're trying to impress the folks that put them in the casket and do the hair and makeup.

Speaking of, at the funeral parlor (they called themselves a mortuary, but we all know it was just a funeral parlor), some employees were talking within ear shot of me and I heard the following.
"Is tinker bell finished yet?" He mimed someone ringing a small bell. The other man replied, "Just finishing up the hair now." It seems to me, that if your reputation as a service is partially based on how well you make the deceased look you'd be a little kinder to the folks who actually make that happen. Because if the corpse doesn't look good, the undertakers don't look good.

So I know now, that tomorrow I need to dress fancy to please the guest not the guest of honor. I should let my hair just go so I'm not spoken harshly of by the undertakers, and under no circumstances should I let those old bitties see me shed a tear. Ever.