Woody Cavenaugh

Recently I saw an ad on TV for a combination body wash and shampoo. Clearly this is marketed only to men because all women know its a dumb idea, and every man knows its brilliance. Men in their very genes are programmed to seek a place of "high speed, low drag". Perfection cannot be achieved by mortal man, but we strive on anyway.

Guys will instantly see the good idea a combination body wash shampoo is. One bottle in the shower in and of itself is a huge win. This is especially true when the rest of the shelves are taken up by her various and sundry hair and body care products. Instead of fighting for a corner of a shelf somewhere that holds his soap and combination shampoo conditioner, he can stand mighty and alone one bottle to rule them all.

Women know of course that this is the height of insanity.

Even the instructions on the bottle are written for the man seeking a place of high speed, low drag. "Apply to rag, sponge, poof, hand, whatever. Lather, rinse, go." They don't try to BS us with that silly repeat step that we aren't going to do anyway. Once is enough, now go and be mighty.

There are, of course some guys who scoff a this. They have known for a long time that having separate soap and shampoo only slows you down. They realized long ago that hair adds both wind resistance and water drag. They choose long ago to shave their heads weekly to ensure a state of high speed, low drag. They have been using one product all this time, one bottle to rule them all, and a brisk three minute shower.

Women realize that these men are complete idiots...even those who look hot with that Mister Clean looking slick and shiny scalp.

But there are men out there who look down their noses at those guys that claim to be high speed, low drag, yet weekly have to take the time out to shave their heads. These men are, of course, blessed by superior genes. As soon as puberty hit, the hair line started receding. By college they were naturally balled, or at the very least sporting a Speed Stripe down the center, or racing strips across the sides. They may touch up here and there to make sure no stubborn tufts of hair remained to diminish their god given drag coefficients.

Women of course can spot the signs of testosterone poisoning and started shying away from these guys the moment they hit puberty.

But guys know the truth. We know that every major battle in history has been won by the side with the shortest haircut. US Calvary vs the Indian Nation. Short back and sides beats hair metal locks. Cavaliers vs Roundheads, one nothing to the Puritans. Viet Nam, crew cuts both sides, ended in a tie. High Speed, Low Drag its more than a way to sell grooming products to men, its a way of life.