Woody Cavenaugh

I was dreaming that the corgi and the three cats were performing a cover of Motley Crew's "Cum on Feel the Noiz". It was really awful. They had no harmony whatsoever, and the dog didn't even know the lyrics. Finally I woke up. Unfortunately the cacophony didn't end there. The four animals were camped outside the bedroom door demanding that my lazy butt get up and put food in their waiting bellys. It was 10am and I was really worried about what moving was going to be like. I started slowly being careful not to make any sudden movements. No soreness. Cool. Who knew bananas and cider were such magical foods.

Satisfied I wouldn't find myself in excruciating pain, I shut the animals up with their breakfast. I then put on a pot of coffee and a pot of country style pork ribs. Breakfast for me doesn't begin until after the coffee is finished. Or at the very least I'm halfway through my last cup.

By the time I was ready to go out and begin working it was noon. Noon you say? I've wasted half the day away! Well, yes and no. I am in what I will optimistically call "amazingly poor physical condition". I know that it will take only a few hours of toil to completely destroy me. Would I rather lay panting in the shade of the front porch in broad daylight with hours of good daylight to go, or would I rather find myself laying panting in the shade of the front porch at dusk? I vote dusk. That way it at least feels like I've put in a full day of work.

Some see the glass half full, others half empty, I prefer to see free refills.

This is what I started with.

First thing I figured I ought to do is get the leaves out. Time to get the mower and the bagger. The mower had a dead battery so instead I got a battery charger and drop cord...then I got a rake. It turned up all the things I thought it would. Big black lizards with yellow racing stripes, little gray frogs, and tiny brown snakes. Those who know me know that snakes and I do not get along. As a child the sight alone of a snake would awaken my mutant powers of speed and teleportation. It also sent me into a blind panic. As I have grown I have slowly gone from always giving the snake right of way to what is now, the opinion that I'm here and you have to move on. I have shoulders. I win. If the snake disagrees, I'll still let him have his way of course. But I don't kill them. I'm soft hearted I guess. I'm sure if I was given a reason to kill a snake I would. Like if I were bitten. I would kill it before my heart exploded. The poison wouldn't stand a chance. My final thoughts would be of exploding and killing every snake in a quarter mile radius.

It was a good day. The lizards went away, the frogs went away, the snakes went away, and the leaves went away. Well, the leaves went away from the immediate area I was working in. Step two required a shovel. I still hadn't quite worked out which side of the water break the planters would go. I sort of wished my dad was there to lend me his advice. Probably his advice would be to get some dynamite and put in a real garden and not mess around with stupid flower boxes. Quickly I realize though, after digging up shovel full after shovel full of worms, if my dad had been there we would have filled a gallon pail with worms and made fast to the river where he would wage war against the river monsters great and small. On second thought, probably better he wasn't here.

I quickly realized that this project would require four more window planters, which will wait until pay day so I can figure out what to put in them. I opened up my giant bag of organic dirt to notice that it warned against using it in planters. Crap. I also noticed where it said not to touch the soil and to wear garden gloves. Crap. Literally. It is organic after all. Don't worry, I didn't get any on me!

I realized that I needed a break. I also needed a couple of things so I headed for the store to get the stuff I needed. On the way there I drank a bottle of water, on the way back I drank a bottle of hydrating sports drink. Once back I did the finishing touches on the last of the work I intended to do today. It was 4pm, 85 degrees in the shade, 83 degrees indoors. I sat down on the porch with a cider and I surveyed my hard work. I got out my list of seventeen items to accomplish this weekend and I marked off numbers six and seven. Mayhaps this is a multi-weekend task list.

Here's what I ended up with. Looks like crap don't it.

It really needs a truck full of pine bark mulch I can't afford. I will instead use the leaf mulch I will make with the lawn mower tomorrow. Yes, I know, bad idea, but cut me some slack I'm making lemon aid here.

The thunderstorm rolled in at 5pm. I sent a second cider down to see what happened to the first cider and I came inside to write this and get it published. Once done, I'll go back to the porch and watch the storm a while and cool off. My blisters have blisters. Worse yet, most of them are on my right hand. I do all my favorite things with my right hand. The computer mouse you pervs! I'm far too and hot tired to do anything else. I may have to call on a third cider to make sure the first and second are safe and well.

At any rate, during the hour and ten minutes it has taken me to upload these photos, I have had a first hand opportunity to see how my new water break faired. To sum up: I think I made it worse. So here's a plant stand with a gnome sleeping in it.