Woody's Wild Niece
In the back of my mind I always suspected it was true, but I really didn't know for sure until I found myself staring down the barrel of a visiting 10 year old girl on her first week away from home. I am not a level 10 parent. In fact I'm a level 0 parent. At this phase I should only be worrying about practicing to create them. Instead, I've gone from zero to OMFGWTF do I feed them??? (The answer to that one turns out to be "pizza" but that's an entry for another day.)
Today's entry is about me learning to understand the rules of the game.
Level One: The baby gets born, you are in complete control of an eating and pooping machine. Level one teaches you how to handle bio-hazards, and getting over any hangups you might have about being clean-ever again.
Level Two: You think you're so cool now that you've mastered the diaper? Now we're giving the child two speeds, sleeping and full throttle. We're also including the volume feature, it has two settings, sleeping, and screaming. At no extra cost we're throwing in a vocabulary word, "No".
Level Five: Now the child is away from your sphere of influence for eight hours a day and introduced to others their own age. They will teach each other everything you've been trying to protect your child from. If you've been a successful parent so far, this is where your child will pick up their first neurosis.
Levels Six through Ten: You know that little feature about your precious snowflake that you think is so adorable. It's now their number one neurosis. Children at these levels hate everything out of the ordinary, and will attack it voraciously.
Level Thirteen: Cost of ownership is upped by one third as they discover high end consumer electronics and boy bands. If you don't have a drawer filled with batteries already, you'd better clear some space.
Level Fifteen: Time to have "The Talk" as a preemptive measure. Include diagrams and lepers for bonus effects. Child earn bonus therapy time if you teach them to apply a condom to a garden vegetable. You earn bonus therapy time if they get it right on their first attempt.
Level Sixteen: Child's first car. You gain extra gray hair. If you have no hair on your head by this point, you'll suddenly sprout it in strange places. Their diary starts to read like a Jackie Collins novel; you gain one facial tick.
Level Seventeen: You get a taste of what's to come when you are forced to pay out for prom gear. You also gain a nervous habit when you realize that your child qualifies as the subject of an '80s hair band song.
Level Eighteen: Your child mentions for the first time the idea they've been kicking around with friends about NOT going to college and starting a band. You lose consciousness.
Things start to slow down once you get them through college, they land a job, move out of your basement, and they get married. You can relax now and exercise your one wish, that their children turn out just like they did. If you've been successful in child rearing you are comfortable in the knowledge that in your old age you aren't destined to eat dog food while trying to pay for your prescription medications.
You win if you manage to get buried in a real casket in a marked grave surrounded by family who are really sad to see you go. Congratulations! You have ascended.
