Woody Cavenaugh

Over dinner The Niece is talking about something. Her speech is sort of stream of consciousness where you really have to pay attention to make all the jumps. At the time she was talking about some animal reality show where they rescue hurt pets (I think). She started going on about this dog with a hormone on its leg. Sara was confused as I was, but instead of just letting it go, she opted to try to get some clarification. Sara says, "Did you mean hematoma?" The Niece said yes. Now me, I figure if Sara had said "Helium" she would have said yes to that too, but OK we're moving on.

Sara wanting to be a good teacher, asked The Niece, if she knew what a hormone was. Pretty quickly it was clear that she didn't, and eventually asked, "OK, so what IS a hormone anyway?"
Sara explained that it was a chemical that the body makes to do stuff. I, hoping to be helpful, said, "It helps tell your body to grow". Sara adds, "and when you are older it will help with your woman parts." The Niece makes a face, "you mean like baby making parts?" Sara nods.

The Niece, who is TEN, says in a very determined way, "I'm having my tubes tied."

At this point, my sanity doffed its bowler hat and headed for the door. My jaw was resting on the table top and I had lost the ability to produce sound entirely.

Sara, who seemed to be rehearsing for a role as a Japanese Anime character said, "But you're 10!" The Niece responds casually around a mouthful of pizza, "Yeah, I mean when I'm like 20."

Sara looks at me and notes my apoplexy for the first time. She tries to calm me with a statement which she tried to make sound as sane and as casual as she could; "At 10 I said the same thing."

Unable to produce sound yet I texted her on my blackberry, "At 10 migratory wading birds as a delivery mechanism for human young was more than enough explanation for me." Now I remember why girls were icky in the first place.

The next morning while Sara was getting ready for work, I had to wake The Niece and send her to take a shower. I used a long stick to poke her with from across the room. Cooties are suddenly a real and present danger again.