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November 24, 2007

Holiday Traditions

When I was a child the Christmas season in our house started exactly two weeks before the day and lasted until one day after. Part of this may have been the fact that me, being a child, was enough chaos without the tree and trimmings. Part also was the fact that I could be forced to help with the hanging and the putting away of the green. Once I went off to seek my fortune, mom's Christmas season stretched out from Thanksgiving weekend, and last through new years day. Part of that may be the fact that there is no child underfoot creating chaos. Another part may be that she needs help with the hanging and the taking down of the green.

One thing I have noticed however, is that as she gets older, her decorations get more elaborate. She's getting crafty making her own decorations, and seeking ideas (and supplies) year round to aid her in her yule time efforts. You'd be amazed at what she can do with a knotty pine stump.

This very special Jetson's Christmas artifact once assembled looks really nice and not 50's future art deco at all. Mom has a plan, dad uses the tools and as you can see, even Sara's involved. That pained look on her face has more to do with the hour than the activity. Dad likes his wind up chiming clocks. From five minutes til the hour, until five minutes after the house is a cacophony of dings, dongs, and chimes. But no coo-coo's. Dad does not like the coo coo clock. This picture was taken around 10am. I am not allowed to have more than one wind up chiming clock and even that gets me discouraging glances between the hours of seven and twelve.


christmas art project.jpg

November 23, 2007

Beer Can Turkey: Yes, it can be done.

I've spent the day with my folks wife and dog in tow. Its been a fairly good day, cooking, eating, sleeping, cheesecake, four hours working on getting Christmas light strands to work bulb by bulb. My nails look like they've been chewed by squirrels. I only mention that nightmare because that is what I just said "to hell with" in order to come in here and blog.

Today's entry is about Beer Can Turkey.

You've probably seen articles, or grilled yourself a beer can chicken. It works like this, you take a hot grill, a whole chicken, and a drink can. You fill the drink can with a liquid seasoning. Some use BBQ sauce diluted with vinegar or water, some just use the beer that was in the can. We often use Italian dressing. You place the can of liquid up the bottom of the chicken, and set the chicken on the grill where it is sitting on its butt, (with can base) legs sprawled out in front of it. Keep your fire stoked to 350 degrees, and cook for 20 minutes per pound. The science is that the can heats up, steams the seasoning which chimneys out the top of the can and into the meat from the inside. Any extra skin around the neck you use to cover the hole at the top so the steam doesn't escape out of the top.

The only difference between a chicken and a turkey when it comes down to it is the size of the can, and the time involved. Our turkey took three hours with a tall boy can filled with Italian dressing. It has a nice light seasoning, smoky goodness, and extremely moist everywhere.

Plus you get time outdoors, keeping the heat of the oven out of the kitchen, enjoying the smell of the charcoal and grilling. Today, at the same time we also used the beer can method on a chicken which we took later to a sick friend. Below is the "before" picture of proud birds standing on the grill.


beer can turkey.jpg

They look like father and son don't they?

November 20, 2007

And Knowing is Half the Battle

For those of you who have been accustomed to the five day a week blog entry from me, you might have noticed that suddenly I'm lucky to do one a week. Lately its been hard to focus. In everyone's life a little rain must fall. Like the rain, bad stuff happens when it will and in the amount it decides at the time. When the sun shines, good days, when its cloudy, you keep an umbrella handy and tend to stay indoors with warm drinks. When it rains, you deal with the rain. That's why we have umbrellas, that's why we have rain coats and goulashes, dig a ditch, install gutters, put up a porch, and hope the levees hold.

It has flooded, and I like anyone have been washed away by it. But you find something to cling to. You climb to higher ground and you try to cope. One thing I did recently that really helped was to create a chart breaking the bad stuff into columns. Trouble at home goes here, trouble with family goes there, trouble at work over there. It has been instrumental in helping me find my way. Its a star to steer by, a peak to hike towards, a dam to divert run off. I put it up on a big white board. This way as things are taken care of (or stop being a problem) they can be erased, if some new disaster occurs it can be added.

I can't think of a single thing I have ever done more instrumental to helping me cope with it all, and with it I have learned one valuable thing.

I'm gonna need a bigger white board.

November 19, 2007

The New Symbology

People have been using symbols to represent things for as long as we've been able to think of ourselves as people. Where it gets really weird, really not like language at all is the subjectiveness of the symbols. Some ancient civilization creates a symbol that for them represents the sun. A few thousand years later this guy named Hitler used the same symbol to mean "We're better than you are." Now that same symbol is interpreted to mean "We hate YOU." Put it all together and we have a symbol that REALLY means the Sun hates us because its better than us. Or, I suppose it could mean we hate the sun because we are better than it. Or We hate the sun because it is better than we are. Never mind. That's a confusing symbol that doesn't really mean anything at all universally. Sun, Better, Hate, these are concrete, the symbol that they are attributed to mean nothing universally.

Some groups aren't all that big on symbols, they don't use them often, others use them all the time. Hitler's Germany loved symbols. They had symbols for everything, gays over there, jews over there, polish over there, blonds over there, old over there, young over there, please have your papers stamped at the barbed wire just follow the signs.

Some symbols are made up of other symbols to make one big symbol. Take the American flag. One star for each state, one stripe for each original colony, the blue field means something the colors of the stripes all mean something. Take that flag to a boy scout meeting and they salute it. Take it to an al qaeda sewing circle and it gets burned on sight. To the boy scouts the flag means all the best of our country. In the sewing circle it means evil oppressor bent on world domination. The only thing both sides will agree on is what it looks like and how much fun camping out is.

Back during the War of Northern Aggression. Those who wanted freedom created a flag to represent them. It was their symbol. It meant to them freedom from economic and political oppression. But people have the power to reinterpret, reassign, and outright steal symbolism. Hitler stole the symbol for the sun and reassigned the meaning, "we're better than you are." the world stole the symbol from him and now it means "we hate you". The southern battle flag was stolen and reassigned to mean "we hate those of African descent". Now people fight over it, each assigning their own personal "universal" meaning to it and try to hammer the other into the ground with it. Some cultures have a bunch of symbols, some have a few, some don't have that many symbols of their own so they borrow others. Hitler borrowed the sun symbol and the world borrowed it from him. The southerners had a symbol that others borrowed.

People are constantly borrowing/stealing other symbols for their own purposes. The pirate's skull and crossbones used to be an identifier for individual pirates, now it has been stolen and turned into a generic symbol that means either "biker" or "trendy cool rebelliousness" (available now at Hot Topic). The noose used to mean "execution by hanging". Now it has been stolen and reassigned the meaning "we hate those of African descent". That hardly seems fair considering how many people have been hung who aren't of African descent. Didn't they hang Saddam Husein? (North African doesn't count.) There are still a bunch of countries that execute by hanging and not all of those countries are in Africa. Still, credit where credit is due, it was quick thinking, to steal a symbol and whip up some real fear and outrage with it.

It got me to thinking. Maybe we could have some fun with stealing and reassigning symbols.

They took the noose, so lets take the square knot. The cord knotted with the square knot now means "We hate the boy scouts"! McDonald's golden arches could now mean "We hate healthy people". The symbol for the book that used to mean "library" can now mean "We're smarter than you." The symbol for the phone can now mean, "You talk too much". The symbol for school can now mean "pedophiles buffet ahead". The shamrock now means "we hate the Irish" (puts a twist on St. Patrick's day doesn't it). Pizza now means "Italians think the world is still flat". Bling now means "we hate everyone...biatch". The color red means "we hate everyone wearing the color blue", the color blue means "we hate everyone wearing red". The color yellow means "we hate everyone wearing green". Pink means "we are gay". The color black now means "We're all unique individuals" unless you wear black make up or have a really good tan in which case it means "help help I'm being oppressed". White used to mean, clean, holy, angelic. Now it means "nah nah, we're better than you are". Oh wait, we can't do that, someone's already given it that meaning, lets find a new one for white. How about, "use hot water and bleach, tumble dry warm, remove promptly." I read in this article that a city in Colorado is banning the use of green or red lights during the holidays. I am just glad I don't have to drive there, because if I got pulled for running a red light I'd have to sue the city for displaying one. Heck, someone ought to do that anyway.

Does anyone find it strange that a kid can vandalize a wall with a can of spray paint and its "obviously gang sign"? Truth is, it is probably only obvious to him, the gang, and the couple of guys on the police force in the gang unit. If a krylon squiggle is so obviously a gang sign why is it that scientist cannot create a symbol that will still mean "danger keep out" in a few thousand years?

Its because symbols have no meaning in and of themselves.

Symbols only mean what the person that views it assigns to it.

Therefore a "symbol of fear and hate" is so ONLY because you made it that way.


November 14, 2007

How to jobik the gikzelen.

People use the term "story of my life" as a way to sum up their current events into a single pithy sentence. Often used in comedy, you have a string of slapstick events and the punchline is "that's the story of my life". Cue the canned laughter.

If I were to use the term "story of my life" I would have to open with this made up event that could be used to illustrate the story of my life.

"Get in there and jobik the gikzelen."
"Ugh...what?"
"You heard me."
"I think I missed something, could you repeat it."
"Get in there and jobik the gikzelen."
"I don't think I know how to jobik, and if I did, I am not sure I even want to attempt to do it to a gikzelen whatever that may be."
"Just do it."
"Do what?"
"Jobik the gikzelen, stupid!"
At this point the speaker stomps angrily out of the room, and I say "That's the story of my life." Cue the laugh track.

The joke continues as a running gag when every five minutes that antagonist comes back into the room furious because the task isn't complete and is completely unwilling to offer clues, hints, tips, explanations or anything else necessary for our hopelessly clueless protagonist to do anything but count to ten while breathing into a paper bag from a safe position under the dining room table.

And there it is the story of my life. Coming to you live from under the dining room table.

November 7, 2007

Celebrity Endorsements

As I was enjoying the rich full bodied taste of a cup of Newman's Own coffee it occurred to me that if a successful actor could do good works with a line of foodstuffs, the modern crop of wanna be's and has beens could at least pay their bills with clever marketing and the right product.

I remember a series of breakfast cereals all around a monster theme. Count Chocula, Boo Berry, and Frankenberry. Well, why not a series of breakfast cereals around the current crop of failed ingenues like Britney, Nichole, Paris and Jessica. You could put their pictures on the box and call them Breakfast Ho's.

November 6, 2007

Save the Humans

Recently in the mail we received a request for money from an animal rights organization that was pushing the "spay and neuter the animals" line. While I know that their hearts are in the right place, indeed none of our animals can breed, even the purebred. The problem was their word choice.

I read their letter again and where it said "pet" I substituted "person", where it said "spay" I said "hysterectomy, where it said, "neuter" I said "castrate". You can imagine how horrified I was by the end of the letter. I was holding my nards in one hand and the letter in my shaking other hand.

These are some bloodthirsty sex crazed folks who want to do unspeakable things... for a good cause.

I'm not saying they are wrong, I'm saying that they are perhaps on to something.


A boy and a girl drop out of high school because she gets pregnant (he may or may not be the father). Both get low paying entry level jobs to pay for the baby. Pretty soon since the only fun thing they can do that doesn't cost money is practice procreation they have a whole house full of youngens. This passel of little ones have little hope for a college education and probably have a substandard public education. The cycle repeats. Lets say that the drop outs above have four children, and those four have four of their own. Within three generations the original two have spawned 64 fast food workers!!! Just two drop outs in only three generations!!!

Please spay and neuter your drop outs so this doesn't happen to you! The world can only support so many fast food chains before the food chain is disrupted leading to mass unemployment and hunger!!!

It takes $2000 to neuter a human and $7000 for a hysterectomy. Please give now to the Save the Humans fund so we can stop the rampant birth of unwanted humans who will face abuse, starvation, and cruelties beyond imagination.

November 5, 2007

Well what did you THINK was going to happen

Last night the phone rings. Believe it or not this is a rare occurrence in my house. When the phone rings three things happen. First we are startled by the strange ringing noise. Then we look to one another to decide who is going to walk over to the phone. Third we look at the caller ID and decide whether or not to pick up.

Last night at 8:30pm I lost the coin toss, and I walked over to the phone. The ID said, "Unknown Number". An unknown number at 8:30pm on a Sunday night could only mean adventure. I picked it up immediately. After a series of Hello's and a couple of "Is this a recordings", someone finally came onto the phone. She spoke yankie, and she claimed to be an MCI employee calling on behalf of a police charity, and she called me on a Sunday night at 8:30pm.

She deserves what she gets. When she asked how I was I told her "I'm eating cake", this was almost true, I had been trying to eat a piece of cake for the past ten minutes but one thing after another kept me from it, and I was losing patience.

Her con went the usual way, police charitable organization, blah, blah, blah. Keeping criminals off the streets, blah, blah, blah. Arrest drug dealers selling drugs to children, blah, blah, blah. Then she gets around to the "bind", the part of the pitch where they actually ask you for money in a way where if you say anything but "Yes" you are forced to lie or answer in an awkward way. for instance, "You do want to keep drugs out of the hands of children by locking up the criminals that sell them don't you?"

The muse was upon me. My response, "I'm afraid that would be a conflict of interest ma'am." This throws her for a loop, but she takes the bait anyway, "And why would that be a conflict of interest?" :) She DID ask. My response, "Because I sell drugs. My primary market is middle school children and I just can't see giving money to an organization striving to not only put me out of a well paying job, but put me in jail as well."

There was an uncomfortable silence, followed by a nervous laugh, followed by a "Well, ok then, thank you for your time."

When we stopped laughing, Sara says to me, "If that was a legitimate charity we might be getting an official visit later."

Well, if they do come to take me away, I'd better make sure I have all the cake I can eat first. I eat my piece of cake, and in fact the rest of the cake entirely. 19 hours later my stomach still feels like I ate an entire yankie con artist. I'm going to have to avoid answering the phone for a couple of weeks, or at the very least until I feel like eating again.




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