Wandering Words

I guess this will be my first (and hopefully last) blog entry of this personal of a nature, but I figure it is as good a place as any for some self reflection. I figure at least a couple of folks from tp.org are keeping up with my blog, so comments on my own reflection are welcome... I'll just have to make sure I don't let another entry like this one slip in.

Okay, now to get down to where I think my problem is. Oh yeah, first, yes, I think it is a problem for a 31 year old single guy to be watching sappy (dare I say, dopey) movies. I believe I crave the satisfaction of seeing the relationship work out like you think it should, like you want it to. I know, the serious relationship of my life hardly worked out as I wanted it to.

Flashback to Jay's Serious Relationship
So, a little history on that relationship. We met over the Internet in early '96. No, not through a dating service or anything. Just as friends on an Internet game we both played. Actually met face to face on July 4th, 1996. We talked constantly on the phone or in emails, and saw each other as often as possible, which ended up being about once a month with some extended multi-week vacations together a few times as well. We definately had our differences of opinions on various subjects, but we also agreed on several over arching themes as well. We broke up a little over two years ago this month. Those two years hasn't really helped me get over her as much as I would have liked. She still creeps into my thoughts more often than I would have thought someone would after not really talking to or seeing them for two years. I will admit that by not finding someone else to get to know on a more personal level has kept her in my head longer than she should've... or maybe it is what true love is all about, heck how am I supposed to know!?!

Another issue was that we didn't part ways with one of us fed up with the other or even on a bad note, The last time we saw each other we both were upset that we had decided not to see each other again. That was a tough thing. To me, I still look back and say, we didn't really want to part, we were just being the realist that we both are. Some of our differences seemed to be great enough that it would severely hurt our having a family and having a successful marriage... perhaps it was just fear of that more than a realist attitude though, but who can say for sure. The other part of it had to do with the amount of time we actually had for each other right now in our lives. At the time she was fixing to start the medical scholars program at UIUC, (MD & PhD in Economics program). As for me, right then, I was extremely involved with my job at AOL, and over the last two years have dove even deeper into work as I enjoy the greater and greater responsibility I get.

Tangent on Childhood
Okay, so that is a lot for me to put in digital print about our relationship, now for the self-analyzing of my need to watch really bad movies that even my friend Mark wouldn't admit to watching! I believe, the need for a "living happily ever after" on a rocky relationship is pretty key. While I'm not completely sure why I have that need, I guess I do have some ideas. For those that don't know, my father and two of my three sisters were killed in June of 1973. I was two and half years old at the time. While not an overly large family, four kids (and potentially another from what my mom has said) was much larger than what we were left for. Also, because my sister is so much older than myself, she was married and moved out pretty early in my life, leaving my just me and my mom.

Obviously that created a tight bond with my mother, and I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world. But... it always just felt like so much was missing that was supposed to have been there. When her nerves would bother her and she would sadden thinking of her lost children, it obviously would affect me as well. There was no way for me to help, no matter how much I wanted to. She says just my being there was plenty and her knowing how much I still needed her, but still... no person should have their children taken away in death... even worse losing your mate who you love and depend on as well. Then... as if all that wasn't enough, in the car accident we were all in when they died, she had two or three fractured vertebrae as well.

So, a broken back to top it all off and she was immobile for many months, and constantly in pain. I don't think I'll ever, ever meet a tougher person that my mom. She maintained, hell flourished, through all of that on her own internal will power. She took one Valium (sp?) to calm her nerves once... she immediately flushed the rest down the toliet when she realized the effect they had. Hell women these days take Valium to deal with their periods.

Finally, back on track: need of a big happy family
Yeah, so as I was saying, always felt like the big family I was SUPPOSED to have been a part of was robbed from me. I still yearn for it though. When I think of happiness, my definition has to be comfortable enough at my career to be able to provide for a LARGE family and be able to be at home quite a bit to enjoy that family. Heck, I don't even have a need to be a provider. I would be perfectly happy to be Mister Mom if my wife wanted to provide for the family. So, what do I define as big? Hmmm. At least 4 direct children... though in reality I'd like as many as we could have and support. Adoption would definately be an option after a few of our own as well. I loved the movie cheaper by the dozen, and 10 kids would work well for me! :)

So, there is a certain hump that I have to get over though before starting a family... that would be falling in love and becoming best of friends with a woman that I could easily spend the rest of my life with. Damn, I'm finding out that is very, very hard. I try and be a good person, honest, dependable, non-game playing, and a hard worker. I also make what I would consider to be a very nice living for myself and see no reason why I shouldn't be able to attain my ever increasing career goals. (Though retiring by 40 isn't looking doable any longer!) I will admit up until about 3 months ago I wasn't even looking at all for someone. Mostly because I didn't feel like it (still hung up on the Ex)... but also because I just wanted to give myself the time and if someone walked into my life during that down time, all the better.

Now, I can't say I've been extremely actively looking for the last three months. But at least I have tried match.com an online dating service. I guess I felt that the opportunity to get to know someone else first would be good before meeting them face to face. The one and only person I wrote to from match.com did end up having coffee with me one evening. A very nice person, but I just didn't feel any chemistry nor did I think there would be.

Looking in the "real" world is tough for me. If I didn't have the extra pounds of weight that I do, I THINK I would have more confidence to walk up and talk some of the women I see. At the weight I am at though... I just believe it would be embarrassment for me... which is odd. For business I have nothing but confidence. I don't mind getting up in front of any level of executives or large groups and just telling it like it is. I guess that comes from my position and knowing that I've earned it and knowing that they will listen to me... walking up to a stranger though, she doesn't have much to judge me on other than my looks... I don't think that puts the situation in my favor. Heck even if I didn't have the weight, I'm not the best looking of men, and that is just another worry!

We've been around the world, now for some type of conculsion
So, what the heck did all this do for you? Nothing I hope; unless you have something to say in a comment (*hint, hint*). For me, it let me put some thoughts down to ponder and consider. I guess I'm watching sappy movies to see what I'm afraid I might not have... a happily ever after ending. But ya know, I'm definately not so dependant on what I'd like to have that I won't have a happily ever after even if I stay a bachelor the rest of my life. I can easily find plenty in life to enjoy no matter if I have someone to share it with or not... just would prefer the "have" is all. Well, if you read this far, you deserve a prize or something! Hope you enjoyed your trip through my current thoughts! G'night!